The Daily Squib

Monday, July 21, 2008

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Family Guy Banned In The UK?

Ever heard a friend of yours link back a seemingly straightforward and very normal aspect of their life back to Family Guy? Maybe you've done it yourself? If a new bill proposed today by Gordon Brown gets passed, that may all be a thing of the past.

Looking wan, and speaking in an exhausted tone, the Prime Minister expressed his hatred for Family Guy followers worldwide. 'While I am an avid fan of Family Guy, I do not need the whole fucking script of every fucking episode relayed back to me on a daily basis, you banal bastards', continuing with 'While I usually endorse free speech so long as it conforms to popular opinion, this has got to stop. I used to look forward to new seasons of Family Guy, but now I can't help but fear the wave of new quotes that will inevitably arise from these freaks. Stop ruining life!'. Mr Brown promptly left the podium giving the hand gesture commonly associated with Winston Churchill, though it is not known whether or not the meaning behind the gesture was intended as 'Victory for Europe'.

Critics of the bill fear it is nothing more than a continuation of the feud between Blair and Brown, citing sources from insiders that tell of Blair being someone who constantly quoted Family Guy. Upon investigation of this, The Daily Squib managed to find several references to Family Guy in several speeches about the Iraq war, but we are not legally allowed to quote any for our readers for health fears; it is thought that widespread reading of exaggerated truths culminating in amusing fiction and Family Guy quotes together in one page could potentially possess people into believing nonsense.

The Daily Squib's resident psychologist speculated that the constant quoting could be born out of severely under-developed social skills, whereby the person cannot think of anything remotely interesting in their own lives so feel compelled to relate it to something scientifically proven to be interesting. 'While not relying on factual evidence, I think that if you removed all the Family Guy quotes from people's speech, you'd be left with a detestably boring person. If anything, we should be very grateful that they quote Family Guy, otherwise we'd have to put up with inane drivel'.

Later on in the day in the House of Commons, the Prime Minister addressed fears about Futurama quotes being banned, 'This government feels that there is no need to do such a thing, no-one watches it in the first place, and besides, if people quote the parts that could possibly be seen as funny, it saves us the hassle of watching the whole episode'. This was met with general approval, although there is still unrest about the fate of South Park quotes, which, as of yet, is still not mentioned in the bill.

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Friday, July 13, 2007

Heaven & Hell Drawn Into Green Debate!

After extensive government lobbying from Britain, Heaven has said in a statement issued to the press that it will 'review it's lighting policy' in a bid to 'go green'. It has been widely debated whether or not Heaven should be granted special permission to use such vast amounts of energy to power the so called 'Holy Light of God', and a spokesman for God has stated that 'it has been a bone of contention amongst residents here, and after a review from the panel, we have decided to cut down on all our lighting, effective immediately, and pledge to use only eco-friendly bulbs'.

The news came after the British government repeatedly lambasted Heaven's use of resources, seen as somewhat of a vote winner for the new Prime Minister Gordon Brown, and issued an infamous statement claiming that 'Heaven should lead the way in the fight against global warming, and usher in a new dawn of positive steps towards creating a friendlier, healthier environment for future generations'. At the time, Heaven was somewhat dismissive of the comments made, arguing that 'Heaven should not come under the same rules as other countries as it falls under a different dimension' and 'further to this, Heaven has a commitment to it's inhabitants to provide an above average experience...that may entail higher power consumption'.

Before the shift in attitude, Heaven was reportedly consuming 30 billion times the amount of energy America and China (combined) were; the two largest consumers of energy on Earth. However, this is partly due to the fact that Heaven is as close to infinite in physical space as one can get, making energy bills extremely difficult to keep low, regardless of what light bulbs they use. It has been suggested that they could cut power in certain areas, and some critics have even suggested a constant daylight is 'unrealistic', and that a day-night system, similar to that on Earth, would be more effective in cutting costs. This way, the main bulbs could be turned off to create an artificial 'night-time' effect.

Immediately after Heaven's pledge to 'save the world', Hell defiantly announced that it would 'up it's energy consumption to compensate for Heaven's apparent good-will'. Beelzebub said, exclusively to The Daily Squib, that 'this new energy pledge was all smoke and mirrors, Heaven is doing the least amount possible to this new 'green' craze. The move will not realistically and pragmatically help the Earth'. Asked why they would defy Heaven and increase their own energy consumption (and thus bills), Beelzebub responded that 'Hell is committed to living up to expectations placed upon it by scripture and general ill will, and to consider cutting costs and power would be irresponsible given it's long tradition of being purely evil in intent'.

The move by Heaven is seen as adding further pressure on the U.S. government to commit to an energy saving treaty, lest it further undermine America's bid to be a globally positive force. Time will tell on this however, as currently America has said nothing on the issue, despite mounting criticism.

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Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday 13th Is Upon Us!

To celebrate this day of misfortune, we caught up with legendary psychopath Jason for an exclusive interview.

Good morning, it's good of you to join us.
Not at all, it's good to be here
So let's dive straight in. What's the deal with Freddy?
Actually it's better than you think, I mean, there's no bad blood between us. We go on very well. He was fine with the whole decapitation thing at the end of the film [laughs]. Actually that was never in the script, it was a long day and he made a joke about my mom being a nutter so I just....well beheaded him. Luckily the camera crew caught it, so that was....that was all good.
Good to hear. What did you think of the film itself, did you see a preview of it before it was released?
Funnily enough I didn't. I was away on business when I got a call from my manager saying the film was out now, and that I should go check it out. I got to the cinema in a mess man, sometimes I just can't help it. I mean come on! This girl was just standing there on the pavement, being young and expendable. What's a guy to do? I simply rammed her face into a wall, then grated her corpse on the rough texture of the bricks. It was quite funny at the time. I think it was caught on my friends phone.
So are you into the Happy Slapping craze then?
Er, not really. I'm still doing my thing. If there's a helpless soul I'll butcher them and all, but I don't get the whole slapping people in the face and running off thing. It's just degrading. How far has society sunk if you can't walk down the street without fear of being hit in the face?
True, true. So what's life like at the lake. I've got to say it looks nice from what I've seen in the films.
You should see it. It looks better in real life I swear. Nice views, lot of teenagers strangely enough [laughs], you' think they'd have learned by now. But you know how things are. I don't speak to my mom much, I spend most time with my pet Tiddles the goldfish. Some youth tried to catch him once, he was fishing and I just thought, 'Dude, that is so not cool'. He didn't even have a fishing license! The cheek of some people. So I pulled his rod...[giggles] I'm not gay or anything, I meant his fishing rod. Not that I have anything against homosexuals it's just....not my thing as it were. I'm more of a breast man. Geez, I'm going off one one. Back to the story. So yeah, I pulled him into the lake and started pushing his head under water, actually that last part was un-intentional. I never meant to do that, I just wanted to explain that he was scaring my little fishy. He started to drown, I was so embarrassed. There was lots of splashing, and....noise. Quite a commotion. I just thought 'These people are being disturbed by all this noise, they've came here to relax. This clearly isn't polite'. I just broke the guys neck and used his spine as a belt. I killed two birds with one stone man, that was pretty productive.
So what do you do in your spare time? What's the real Jason like?
Believe it or not I'm very shy. I'm quite the pacifist, I was at the No More War demonstrations during 'nam. I read quite a lot, currently reading 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath. It's touched me, it really has. Very sad, very sad... Half the time I don't even mean to kill people! Sometimes it's because I've got a new film coming up and I need some practice, it's nothing personal. I also have emotional issues, which I don't really want to go into. Basically there was this girl and it got....well I had my heart broken [breaths deeply]. I'm still trying to deal with that. I'm seeing this wonderful therapist, her name's Sarah, brunette. Bubbly. She's helping me cope. Who knows, maybe I'll leave all this manic, unstoppable urge to kill behind me, settle down, wife and kids. I wouldn't mind that actually.
Well, it's been wonderful talking to you. We at The Daily Squib wish you all the best. Thanks for the chat.
No, it's no problem at all, really.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

The News In Brief

Girl Thankful She Got Hit By Car A pregnant, teenage mom celebrated her luck yesterday as she was struck down by a car. She gave an exclusive comment to the Daily Squib earlier, 'I was going to have to pay for an abortion, but I guess I just got lucky'.

Burqas Banned For Halloween Jack Straw further immersed himself in controversy earlier today as he said that the veil worn by some Muslim women should be banned for Halloween, over fears they may be mistaken for ghost costumes. He stated 'Not only do I feel uncomfortable, I feel confused too, I mean, I don't know whether to give them a bar of candy or not'.

Israelis Respond To Muslim Police Officer The Israelis hit back at the Muslim police officer PC Basha, who refused to guard the Israeli embassy because of Israels attacks on Lebanon, by claiming that they 'didn't want him guarding our embassy anyway'.

And finally,

Asda Denies Plans For World Domination After recently boasting that they are to take on Microsoft by bringing out their own office software, rumours spread that they are soon planning to take over the world with their cheap, cheap prices. A spokesperson for Asda issued a statement earlier; 'Asda does not as yet have any aspirations for global dominance, at the moment we are quite happy with Britain'.

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

The End is Neigh

A shock new translation of 'Revelations' the prophetic story in The Bible of how humanity will meet their end has led to a huge controversy throughout the Christian world.

Dr Barry Furnlong of the Gestalt Institute for Translation spoke to the Daily Squib earlier this week to explain his findings. 'In essence we have a vast mistranslation in daily usage around the planet. Whole apocalyptic scenarios and behaviours have been based on the concept of the four horsemen of the apocalypse and the imagery this presents us and people have even begun preparing for the end times as a result.'

As it is widely known, the four horsemen of the apocalypse proceed the events that will supposedly culminate in the day of judgement for all mankind, their order is taken to be an analogy for the unfolding of events. They are as follows:

-The White Horse
Often seen as The Antichrist though never stated as such.

-The Red Horse
Interpreted as being a representation of war.

-The Black Horse
Scarcity of food, famine.

-The Pale Horse
The original word was 'green' which had connotations of decay, disease and Death, translated to preserve connotation in modern use.

So what is wrong with these translations? Dr Barry answered this question for us by taking out a complex blueprint full of cogs and specifications. 'Well basically the entire Bible is just a marketing campaign. The Old Testament is there to get you really worked up about makings things and the annoying process of creation, destruction and trying again. The New Testament gets you interested in carpentry, a carpenter's son getting nailed to some pretty fine workmanship shows true dedication to your craft while showing the pain endured in perseverance. Most of the first bits are actually coded instructions for materials you'll need in the process and how to do the fiddly bits, such as nailing stuff. Revelations finally tells you what you're making and describes it in detail for those who haven't worked it out by then....basically your finished work should look like this...' At this point in our interview Dr Barry held up the above photo.

'...Needless to say, you've got your four horses there and that's pretty much the end of it. Obviously these days we have much more efficient forms of written communication than the extremely long and obscure encoded analogy but they did have a lot of free time back then. I don't know what all the controversy is about really, I mean, aren't people glad it actually means something after all?'

Here at The Squib we've found watching our very own Bible's Spinning Horsies device (as it was meant to be known though the name was lost long ago but resurfaced under a brothel in Texas recently) very entertaining, the silly little bowing gestures they make and the odd meaningless noises they spout as they spin endlessly round the same unchanging axis. As The Bible states we would recommend it to children of ages 6+ ('Zimri immediately killed the entire royal family of Baasha, and he did not leave a single male child. He even destroyed distant relatives and friends.' [1 Kings 16:9-13 NLT] 'Zimri' literaly meaning 'death by choking on the small sharp bits in poorly made toys.)

Article by Vore

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Only 1 in 10 Crashes Caused By Collision!

A shock government report, leaked yesterday, claimed that there are actually only a few crashes that are caused by collision. This finding, which sent shockwaves through the scientific community, has caused the government to rethink its strategy regarding speed limits and compulsory insurance for drivers.

One MP commented ‘This research has shown the failure of our government to properly tackle the issues of physics on the motorways. If cars aren’t colliding yet there are still crashes then we should probably start questioning our very own existence and what it means to be human. In a car. On the road!’

Insurance companies around the country are very upset by the news, and understandably so. They typically rely on profits coming through accidents being caused by the impact between cars (usually two), meaning this new report threatens to eradicate most income thanks to disillusioned drivers leaving their insurance policies behind. The economy is expected to slow, but the gap in the market is expected to be filled quickly through car related events like NASCAR, Destruction Derby and Gumball.

An alliance of insurance companies gave a statement today, highlighting the devastating effects of their losses. These included ‘forest fires’, ‘ash raining from the sky’ and ‘plagues, probably bubonic in nature’. The speech also included some very big words, which further added to the chaos.

A sceptic pointed out that the data provided by the study ‘does not fit in with the wingspan of a hummingbird, the claims are clearly ridiculous’. The Ruby-throated Hummingbird has a wingspan of 8-11 cm and weighs around 2-6 grams, a car, on the other hand, usually weighs in at a couple of tons with no wingspan whatsoever (excluding Chitty Chitty Bang Bang –we at the news desk love you), so it is clearly un-related.

There was further controversy when one of the scientists in the report used the words ‘heavy-handed’ and ‘carried’, which sounded too much like ‘Muhammad’ for many politicians liking. The scientist in question has now had his name changed and moved away for fear of repercussions. The government immediately cancelled Christmas as ‘a sign of good will to the Muslim community’. Many commented that this was ‘political correctness gone mad’ but were unwilling to do anything about it, pointing out that they believed taking no action whatsoever meant more time could be spent digging a hole in the sand which they later planned to bury their heads in.

The full report can be read via a computer screen.

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Vaccination For Terrorism!

Names like the IRA and Al Qaeda may become a thing of the past as Swiss scientists unveiled a brand new vaccine that is able to suppress the terrorist gene in humans.

It has been a long held view that terrorism has been a treatable condition, but no-one had, until now, been able to pinpoint the specific gene that is responsible for creating a chemical nicknamed ‘Binladenome’.

The work was done in secret for years due to issues of animal testing. The lab originally trained mice and small dogs employing ex-CIA members to do it. After the animals were sufficiently well versed in extremism and guerrilla warfare, they were injected with the vaccine, currently known as ‘Diplomacene’. The lab, owned by Herbert West Technologies, has only just managed to repair the damage to their image caused when a journalist discovered that the company was responsible for training the ‘Jolly Rodger’, the author of the infamous ‘Anarchist’s Cookbook’, who, it turns out, is a Yorkshire Terrier.

‘Jolly Rodger was a big mistake on our part, it just got out of hand’, one scientist reminisces, ‘We should have know to put an end to it when he managed to use a pen without opposable thumbs’.

Human rights groups have given mixed responses concerning the vaccine. The RSPCA commented that ‘training animals in terrorism is morally wrong’ but acknowledged that the outcome ‘may justify the methods used’.

‘This could radically alter Western foreign policy and may be the solution needed for the Arab/Israeli conflict’ stated Herbert West Technologies in a statement issued to the press. ‘In this day and age, violence is widespread and apocalyptic in nature, so anyway we can limit people’s freedom to do this is obviously going to be jumped at’.

The company refused to comment on whether or not the vaccine will be tested on politicians to see if that may resolve global conflict.

George Bush was quick to act and gave a speech in response to the news of the vaccine. ‘We expect all peace-loving and free Arab nations to take the vaccine in our bid to stop terrorism’. However the President also commented that ‘the terror alert will not be moved to green because of this vaccine. While there is faith that the vaccine will work, there is no faith in terrorism’.

America is currently said to be researching a new weapon where the vaccine can be used on a widespread area, notably as ‘fallout’, in a bid to stop any repercussions against the U.S.

While sceptics pointed out that any such weapon could potentially give America the power to ‘bomb anyone it chose to’, the government assured the world that it would only use such a weapon where there was no evidence of ‘activities’ taking place.

Meanwhile the British government is proposing plans to issue the vaccine to those of Irish descent or of the Muslim faith. The bill, The 2006 Nasty-Man Act, has shot through the House Of Commons and it is expected that the House Of Lords will similarly approve of the bill too.

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Promising news when we feel like writing, The Daily Squib is devoted to keeping you in touch with the global news when it's worth the effort.
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