Thursday, October 05, 2006
The End is Neigh
A shock new translation of 'Revelations' the prophetic story in The Bible of how humanity will meet their end has led to a huge controversy throughout the Christian world.
Dr Barry Furnlong of the Gestalt Institute for Translation spoke to the Daily Squib earlier this week to explain his findings. 'In essence we have a vast mistranslation in daily usage around the planet. Whole apocalyptic scenarios and behaviours have been based on the concept of the four horsemen of the apocalypse and the imagery this presents us and people have even begun preparing for the end times as a result.'
As it is widely known, the four horsemen of the apocalypse proceed the events that will supposedly culminate in the day of judgement for all mankind, their order is taken to be an analogy for the unfolding of events. They are as follows:
-The White Horse
Often seen as The Antichrist though never stated as such.
-The Red Horse
Interpreted as being a representation of war.
-The Black Horse
Scarcity of food, famine.
-The Pale Horse
The original word was 'green' which had connotations of decay, disease and Death, translated to preserve connotation in modern use.
So what is wrong with these translations? Dr Barry answered this question for us by taking out a complex blueprint full of cogs and specifications. 'Well basically the entire Bible is just a marketing campaign. The Old Testament is there to get you really worked up about makings things and the annoying process of creation, destruction and trying again. The New Testament gets you interested in carpentry, a carpenter's son getting nailed to some pretty fine workmanship shows true dedication to your craft while showing the pain endured in perseverance. Most of the first bits are actually coded instructions for materials you'll need in the process and how to do the fiddly bits, such as nailing stuff. Revelations finally tells you what you're making and describes it in detail for those who haven't worked it out by then....basically your finished work should look like this...' At this point in our interview Dr Barry held up the above photo.
'...Needless to say, you've got your four horses there and that's pretty much the end of it. Obviously these days we have much more efficient forms of written communication than the extremely long and obscure encoded analogy but they did have a lot of free time back then. I don't know what all the controversy is about really, I mean, aren't people glad it actually means something after all?'
Here at The Squib we've found watching our very own Bible's Spinning Horsies device (as it was meant to be known though the name was lost long ago but resurfaced under a brothel in Texas recently) very entertaining, the silly little bowing gestures they make and the odd meaningless noises they spout as they spin endlessly round the same unchanging axis. As The Bible states we would recommend it to children of ages 6+ ('Zimri immediately killed the entire royal family of Baasha, and he did not leave a single male child. He even destroyed distant relatives and friends.' [1 Kings 16:9-13 NLT] 'Zimri' literaly meaning 'death by choking on the small sharp bits in poorly made toys.)
Article by Vore
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