Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Vaccination For Terrorism!
Names like the IRA and Al Qaeda may become a thing of the past as Swiss scientists unveiled a brand new vaccine that is able to suppress the terrorist gene in humans.
It has been a long held view that terrorism has been a treatable condition, but no-one had, until now, been able to pinpoint the specific gene that is responsible for creating a chemical nicknamed ‘Binladenome’.
The work was done in secret for years due to issues of animal testing. The lab originally trained mice and small dogs employing ex-CIA members to do it. After the animals were sufficiently well versed in extremism and guerrilla warfare, they were injected with the vaccine, currently known as ‘Diplomacene’. The lab, owned by Herbert West Technologies, has only just managed to repair the damage to their image caused when a journalist discovered that the company was responsible for training the ‘Jolly Rodger’, the author of the infamous ‘Anarchist’s Cookbook’, who, it turns out, is a Yorkshire Terrier.
‘Jolly Rodger was a big mistake on our part, it just got out of hand’, one scientist reminisces, ‘We should have know to put an end to it when he managed to use a pen without opposable thumbs’.
Human rights groups have given mixed responses concerning the vaccine. The RSPCA commented that ‘training animals in terrorism is morally wrong’ but acknowledged that the outcome ‘may justify the methods used’.
‘This could radically alter Western foreign policy and may be the solution needed for the Arab/Israeli conflict’ stated Herbert West Technologies in a statement issued to the press. ‘In this day and age, violence is widespread and apocalyptic in nature, so anyway we can limit people’s freedom to do this is obviously going to be jumped at’.
The company refused to comment on whether or not the vaccine will be tested on politicians to see if that may resolve global conflict.
George Bush was quick to act and gave a speech in response to the news of the vaccine. ‘We expect all peace-loving and free Arab nations to take the vaccine in our bid to stop terrorism’. However the President also commented that ‘the terror alert will not be moved to green because of this vaccine. While there is faith that the vaccine will work, there is no faith in terrorism’.
America is currently said to be researching a new weapon where the vaccine can be used on a widespread area, notably as ‘fallout’, in a bid to stop any repercussions against the U.S.
While sceptics pointed out that any such weapon could potentially give America the power to ‘bomb anyone it chose to’, the government assured the world that it would only use such a weapon where there was no evidence of ‘activities’ taking place.
Meanwhile the British government is proposing plans to issue the vaccine to those of Irish descent or of the Muslim faith. The bill, The 2006 Nasty-Man Act, has shot through the House Of Commons and it is expected that the House Of Lords will similarly approve of the bill too.
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