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Monday, July 21, 2008

Smokers Rejoice As Building Burns


When a seemingly ordinary office block caught ablaze, the fire evacuation plan was immediately put into action. The alarm was raised, people filed out and registers were taken to ensure everyone was out of the building safely. It was at this point staff noticed that some of the staff, all of them smokers, were still inside the office. To their dismay, they discovered that the missing staff were all enjoying the smoke given off by the fire.
'Since the smoking ban we've all been dying to light up indoors' coughed one of the smokers, 'this was practically a blessing in disguise'. The other members were equally un-repentant, 'God was that good; every breath was just pure smoke. Better than the rollies [cigarettes hand made by the smoker -ed] I'm used to' wheezed another. While such inhalations ordinarily kill within a short space of time, in smokers the body is unable to tell what chemicals are going in and out of the lungs, due to the fact that smokers lungs become what is scientifically known as 'totally fucked'.
Once ambulance crews arrived on the scene, they found the missing staff to be totally relaxed and co-operative. While upon examination several of the staff in question seemed to have developed cancer of the lungs, the stricken smokers protested that it was 'absolutely worth it'.

Note: this article may get re-written sometime soon

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Family Guy Banned In The UK?

Ever heard a friend of yours link back a seemingly straightforward and very normal aspect of their life back to Family Guy? Maybe you've done it yourself? If a new bill proposed today by Gordon Brown gets passed, that may all be a thing of the past.

Looking wan, and speaking in an exhausted tone, the Prime Minister expressed his hatred for Family Guy followers worldwide. 'While I am an avid fan of Family Guy, I do not need the whole fucking script of every fucking episode relayed back to me on a daily basis, you banal bastards', continuing with 'While I usually endorse free speech so long as it conforms to popular opinion, this has got to stop. I used to look forward to new seasons of Family Guy, but now I can't help but fear the wave of new quotes that will inevitably arise from these freaks. Stop ruining life!'. Mr Brown promptly left the podium giving the hand gesture commonly associated with Winston Churchill, though it is not known whether or not the meaning behind the gesture was intended as 'Victory for Europe'.

Critics of the bill fear it is nothing more than a continuation of the feud between Blair and Brown, citing sources from insiders that tell of Blair being someone who constantly quoted Family Guy. Upon investigation of this, The Daily Squib managed to find several references to Family Guy in several speeches about the Iraq war, but we are not legally allowed to quote any for our readers for health fears; it is thought that widespread reading of exaggerated truths culminating in amusing fiction and Family Guy quotes together in one page could potentially possess people into believing nonsense.

The Daily Squib's resident psychologist speculated that the constant quoting could be born out of severely under-developed social skills, whereby the person cannot think of anything remotely interesting in their own lives so feel compelled to relate it to something scientifically proven to be interesting. 'While not relying on factual evidence, I think that if you removed all the Family Guy quotes from people's speech, you'd be left with a detestably boring person. If anything, we should be very grateful that they quote Family Guy, otherwise we'd have to put up with inane drivel'.

Later on in the day in the House of Commons, the Prime Minister addressed fears about Futurama quotes being banned, 'This government feels that there is no need to do such a thing, no-one watches it in the first place, and besides, if people quote the parts that could possibly be seen as funny, it saves us the hassle of watching the whole episode'. This was met with general approval, although there is still unrest about the fate of South Park quotes, which, as of yet, is still not mentioned in the bill.

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