Friday, July 13, 2007
Heaven & Hell Drawn Into Green Debate!
After extensive government lobbying from Britain, Heaven has said in a statement issued to the press that it will 'review it's lighting policy' in a bid to 'go green'. It has been widely debated whether or not Heaven should be granted special permission to use such vast amounts of energy to power the so called 'Holy Light of God', and a spokesman for God has stated that 'it has been a bone of contention amongst residents here, and after a review from the panel, we have decided to cut down on all our lighting, effective immediately, and pledge to use only eco-friendly bulbs'.
The news came after the British government repeatedly lambasted Heaven's use of resources, seen as somewhat of a vote winner for the new Prime Minister Gordon Brown, and issued an infamous statement claiming that 'Heaven should lead the way in the fight against global warming, and usher in a new dawn of positive steps towards creating a friendlier, healthier environment for future generations'. At the time, Heaven was somewhat dismissive of the comments made, arguing that 'Heaven should not come under the same rules as other countries as it falls under a different dimension' and 'further to this, Heaven has a commitment to it's inhabitants to provide an above average experience...that may entail higher power consumption'.
Before the shift in attitude, Heaven was reportedly consuming 30 billion times the amount of energy America and China (combined) were; the two largest consumers of energy on Earth. However, this is partly due to the fact that Heaven is as close to infinite in physical space as one can get, making energy bills extremely difficult to keep low, regardless of what light bulbs they use. It has been suggested that they could cut power in certain areas, and some critics have even suggested a constant daylight is 'unrealistic', and that a day-night system, similar to that on Earth, would be more effective in cutting costs. This way, the main bulbs could be turned off to create an artificial 'night-time' effect.
Immediately after Heaven's pledge to 'save the world', Hell defiantly announced that it would 'up it's energy consumption to compensate for Heaven's apparent good-will'. Beelzebub said, exclusively to The Daily Squib, that 'this new energy pledge was all smoke and mirrors, Heaven is doing the least amount possible to this new 'green' craze. The move will not realistically and pragmatically help the Earth'. Asked why they would defy Heaven and increase their own energy consumption (and thus bills), Beelzebub responded that 'Hell is committed to living up to expectations placed upon it by scripture and general ill will, and to consider cutting costs and power would be irresponsible given it's long tradition of being purely evil in intent'.
The move by Heaven is seen as adding further pressure on the U.S. government to commit to an energy saving treaty, lest it further undermine America's bid to be a globally positive force. Time will tell on this however, as currently America has said nothing on the issue, despite mounting criticism.
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