Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Only 1 in 10 Crashes Caused By Collision!
A shock government report, leaked yesterday, claimed that there are actually only a few crashes that are caused by collision. This finding, which sent shockwaves through the scientific community, has caused the government to rethink its strategy regarding speed limits and compulsory insurance for drivers.
One MP commented ‘This research has shown the failure of our government to properly tackle the issues of physics on the motorways. If cars aren’t colliding yet there are still crashes then we should probably start questioning our very own existence and what it means to be human. In a car. On the road!’
Insurance companies around the country are very upset by the news, and understandably so. They typically rely on profits coming through accidents being caused by the impact between cars (usually two), meaning this new report threatens to eradicate most income thanks to disillusioned drivers leaving their insurance policies behind. The economy is expected to slow, but the gap in the market is expected to be filled quickly through car related events like NASCAR, Destruction Derby and Gumball.
An alliance of insurance companies gave a statement today, highlighting the devastating effects of their losses. These included ‘forest fires’, ‘ash raining from the sky’ and ‘plagues, probably bubonic in nature’. The speech also included some very big words, which further added to the chaos.
A sceptic pointed out that the data provided by the study ‘does not fit in with the wingspan of a hummingbird, the claims are clearly ridiculous’. The Ruby-throated Hummingbird has a wingspan of 8-11 cm and weighs around 2-6 grams, a car, on the other hand, usually weighs in at a couple of tons with no wingspan whatsoever (excluding Chitty Chitty Bang Bang –we at the news desk love you), so it is clearly un-related.
There was further controversy when one of the scientists in the report used the words ‘heavy-handed’ and ‘carried’, which sounded too much like ‘Muhammad’ for many politicians liking. The scientist in question has now had his name changed and moved away for fear of repercussions. The government immediately cancelled Christmas as ‘a sign of good will to the Muslim community’. Many commented that this was ‘political correctness gone mad’ but were unwilling to do anything about it, pointing out that they believed taking no action whatsoever meant more time could be spent digging a hole in the sand which they later planned to bury their heads in.
The full report can be read via a computer screen.
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